The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
