I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
