my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
