He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
