Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
