Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
