To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
