I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Too much gin, very little bucket
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
