covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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