I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My vagina is officially offended.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
