I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
