Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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