When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
