i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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