I showed him my bush... on skype.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
