How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
