Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
