I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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