I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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