my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
