I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
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