Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
