Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
