i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
