from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
