Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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