i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
