Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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