i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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