oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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