Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
