You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
