I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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