either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
