a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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