I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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