Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
