dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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