she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
