Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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