I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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