he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
