how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Oh god it's open bar.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
