I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
