You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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