I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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