FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
