either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
