oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
