She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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