So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
