Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
