Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
