in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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