Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
